[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
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Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.