One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.