I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
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“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
won’t smith
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.