EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
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I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I forgot how to panic. Help
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.