The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
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When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
When you don’t understand how floors work
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
RT if you could go either way.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG