Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
mariah carrie
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
me: my friends:
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito