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After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I falcon love using swear birds
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
me before I type out affect or effect
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.