I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Do not go gentle into that good night,
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”