Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky