ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Do not levitate over flowers
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!