So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
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nice challenge
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Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.