Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
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Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
im 7 sauces long
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman