Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
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I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.