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I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.