Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
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[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
good work, detective
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.