I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
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What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.