this is literally a CIA plant
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God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
Every time.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?