[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
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Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.