I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
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I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.