just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
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People buying plungers never look happy.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: