ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
You Might Also Like
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Breaking news:
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
I can’t be the only one 😂
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.