90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
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*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water