*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
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Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The struggle is real.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.