When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
when dads have a rap battle
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.