“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
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sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.