Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
You Might Also Like
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.