I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Owl Sanctuary
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I have never heard an armadillo before.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.