Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
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I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Imma just leave this here…………
how long have you had this for?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it