ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
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Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
whatcha thinkin bout
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp