Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
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[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
You sure about that?
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.