My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting