Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”