I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.