Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?