Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission