[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
That’s no pocket rocket.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out