I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
The biggest mystery of our time
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?