TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
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Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.