how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant