Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
You Might Also Like
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?