The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
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Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
HR said no more nunchucks.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.