Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
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My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place