Not messing around
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Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.