I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
this is so top tier i cant
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?