*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
My birthstone is kidney
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine