freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
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Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Jurassic park gets weird
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Who knew!
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.