Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
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I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.