I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
You Might Also Like
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
I love snow
– People who never shovel
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are: