The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
You Might Also Like
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.