Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
You Might Also Like
I just tested negative for patience.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*